March 2011

The 18th of March 2011

Jesus replied, "What is impossible with men is possible with God."

It is truly hard to explain! My body is losing more and more of its functions, but my heart is staying strong and full of hope. It might be a little easier to understand with the verse of the month: “Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.” Psalm 62:6
Until now you could have thought that I have been hopeful because I put my optimism and hope into modern medicine which has made so much progress. Just recently I talked to an older woman who told me that the most important thing is, not to lose hope. But what for? Her answer was: “That you will get old in age.” But I have given my life to Jesus, so I do not have to try to cling to the hope of getting old. I guess, in the perspective of a human, I am blocking reality, because I am deathly ill. But my perspective is the one of a human being that knows that Jesus is here with me- now. It is a miracle. It is about way more than trying to keep me alive and on this earth. I will die like everyone of us. But I have the certainty that a much nicer „world“ is waiting for me. Jesus has put that hope deep into my heart without me trying or contributing anything to it. Thank you, Jesus.
However, having this hope does not mean I am spared from the degradation of my body, nor do I feel indifferent. Just yesterday I called to Jesus when I felt so sick and the pain was almost unbearable… and You listened to my cry. It was just as if You had carried me through the hours of the night… you are carrying me, I am just wondering why it sometimes takes me so long to realize, that Jesus is in my heart… and He is just waiting for me to ask… obtruding is not his style.
What is really important seems easy to forget in the hustle of every day life. Whom can I count on 100%? First, I often try to count on myself, but that is just stupid. Jesus is the son of God who is our creator. To count on Him is the only wise choice. I just have to decide to trust in Him. I should put my hope and trust in Him much more. To trust in Jesus and count on Him, does not mean that He will always miraculously safe us from uncomfortable situations. No, but He is with us in those situations. And He will carry us if we need Him to. – He is right there!-

A friend of mine sent me a postcard the other day with the words: “ I am always here!” ~God

I desire for you and me that we learn to count on Jesus, every day a little more. Then we have hope that is bigger than death. Let’s not blind out eternity.

The Lord is my hope. I will trust in Him and never lose heart.

Some people think that my life is now full of grieve and sadness. But that is not true. It is the opposit actually. I am learning to appreciate things even more. My heart is grateful and filled with peace. (Just as He promised in Phil. 4:6)

A few weeks ago (as some of you may know) the doctors in Berlin told me that they would not do another chemo therapy. The tumor in my pelvis and the metastases just grew even more during the last chemo. It is now more important to keep my pain under control, because that will most likely not get less. Last week, the neurologists in Rostock recommended thinking about an operation to partly remove the tumor and with that relieve the pressure on the nerves. They recommended a professor in South- Germany who could do this operation best. Unfortunately, it is not so easy to get an appointment for even just an interview, because this man is working internationally and is thus very busy. If you could pray for this, I would be forever grateful. Last week we experienced how God can open doors where it does not seem to be possible. May He do it again… Because He can!!

The past few weeks were pretty hard, because the tumor splays in my pelvis. Fluid is building up in my legs, which „annoys“ my nerves. We have had a lot of doctor visits in the past few weeks and have been led step by step. One appointment to the next! And the amazing thing was that we got appointments way faster than usual. I am hoping that I can soon report that my pain is not as unbearable anymore…

“Fixing my eyes on Jesus” are the words that rotate in my head these days. What to put my hope in and whom to count on is a new decision every day. It makes me thankful when I get time with Jesus in the mornings, because my day gets a new meaning with Him. And what I really want is to fill my life with meaningful things and to make the best of everything. I need Jesus for every minute of that.
I feel like I have been blessed very much. Grace is the other word that is stuck with me these days. It is grace that I belong to Jesus. I do not deserve Him. It is His grace that blesses me. What do you think about grace?

My dear friends,